Tired.

My work has become increasingly important in light of the pandemic, but lately I have been struggling. I have a lot to do but I feel paralysed. I have a lot to say but I get emotional. I am harbouring negative energy which I need to release but I am tired.

I. AM. TIRED.

WE. ARE TIRED.

The spread of Covid-19 has shown us that we are more connected now than ever. Thanks to social media, we are also more connected through our experiences and our pain. During lockdown, I have witnessed 24 events which have made me feel personally defeated:

· 12th March 2020 — Dozens of hospital cleaners, who have been on the frontline during the pandemic, had to stage a protest at Lewisham hospital after being underpaid. This was overwhelmingly Black Women. ISS, the outsourcing company, only started paying them a London Living Wage from March 2020 as a result of the protest.

· 13th March 2020 — Breonna Taylor was murdered in her own home by police officers, who shot her 8 times. It took over two months to drop charges against her partner, who was charged with attempted murder for firing at police while they stormed the apartment and murdered Breonna.

· 14th March 2020 — Chinese-owned Haufei Restaurant in NIGERIA, banned NIGERIANS from dining inside their restaurant, yet they were happy to take their money for takeaways.

· 18th March 2020 — Predicted grades were recommended as a resolve for school pupils. This does not take teacher bias into account, which puts many Black pupils at a disadvantage.

· 26th March 2020 — We had our first clap for the NHS. My mother, an NHS worker, could not bear to watch through her trauma. She told me that the number of deaths she saw in a week had become the amount that she saw in a day. Within weeks, this fear changed to resignation, as she lamented about the bereavement package that we would receive when (not if) she passed away from coronavirus.

Following the prime ministers admission to her hospital, it became a requirement for all staff to change into scrubs while on site, so that they could have their clothes disinfected. However, the scrubs which were first ordered did not account for shapely figures (which most Black people have), they only fit straight body shapes. Understandably, mistakes happen. But the ability of the employer to cater for a diverse workforce was literally a matter of life or death in this situation.

· 31st March 2020 — A 13 year-old boy from Brixton died after contracting Coronavirus. His family was unable to attend his funeral as they were abiding by rules which even our leadership chooses when to follow.

· 4th April 2020 — Two French doctors suggested that Covid-19 vaccines should be tested in Africa, because Africans are “highly exposed and do not protect themselves”. This despite CLEAR evidence that the African response to the pandemic has been far superior to the western world.

· 5th April 2020 — Belly Mujinga, mother to an 11 year-old girl, passed away after being spat on while on duty. Her murderer is yet to be publicly identified.

· 12th April 2020 — A sign was shared from Guangzhou, China, which explicitly banned Black people from a McDonald’s. Many Africans were left homeless in China as many locations implemented the same measures.

· 13th April 2020 — A report was leaked, exposing vile messages which were sent by members of the Labour Party regarding Dianne Abbott. I must say that this was a particular low for me. The Labour party previously made me feel relatively safe, but this made me consider whether there is any place for me in this country.

· 15th April 2020 — Esther Akinsanya died from Covid-19 while her sister was on a ventilator battling the virus. They are just two of a disproportionate amount of Black medics who have died on the frontline, including those who came out of retirement. The media calls them heroes which, while true, upholds this narrative that we are too strong to ever be victims. In addition, these “heroes” only made it to headlines after losing their lives. Otherwise, the face of our ‘heroes’ has overwhelmingly been white.

· 25th April 2020 — A video surfaced of an older white man comfortably calling a young man a “Paki”, insulting his attire and highlighting that he is in “Northern Europe” (before swiftly getting his just desserts). Retaliation or not, why do people still feel so comfortable with insulting and ‘othering’ strangers?

· 27th April 2020 — Tweets were unearthed from a few years ago when misogynoir was not only accepted, it was applauded. Dark-skinned Black Women have the double whammy of experiencing racism and colourism, the latter being predominantly from those who identify as Black. Interestingly, it seems to be a rite of passage for some Black men and some racially ambiguous women. In fact, my experiences of misogynoir have only come from dark skinned Black men. Now, as it was then, we are expected to “let it go” and “turn the other cheek”, even when people incite rape, compare us to animals, hypersexualise us and reinforce the idea that we are ‘less than’. Any reaction deems us ‘bitter black women’.

My heart broke for Bunmi Mojekwu in particular, who shared some of the bullying that she encountered during her time on Eastenders. This was a time when she should have been reveling in her achievements. Instead, the (then) teenagers face and body were relentlessly degraded.

This experience makes me think of the Will Durant quote “no civilisation is conquered from the outside until it destroys itself from within”.

· 7th May 2020 — ONS found that Black people are 4 times more likely to die from Coronavirus. Just 3 days later, Boris Johnson announced plans to ease social distancing measures.

· 8th May 2020 — Gregory McMichael and his son Travis were finally arrested and charged with Ahmaud Arbery’s murder on 8 May, three days after a video of the murder went viral and 74 days after the shooting. William Bryan Jr, who recorded the murder, was only arrested and charged last Thursday and it is only now that it is being considered a hate crime.

· 9th May 2020 — A video surfaced of a Black man being tasered to the ground in Manchester, UK in front of his young son. The rollout of tasers is undoubtedly going to disproportionately affect Black people, who are constantly labelled as “intimidating”, despite there being 2 police officers in this particular case.

· 11th May 2020 — Ian Wright shared recent messages from a child whose comments included “you are a fucking monkey”, “you cotton picking black coon” and “cunt coon monkey nigger”. Imagine being subjected to this for decades and again, being told to turn the other cheek.

· 15th May 2020 — It was announced that free travel for under 18s will be temporarily suspended this summer. As someone who was only able to go to college outside of my local neighbourhood because of Education Maintenance Allowance (which has long been scrapped), this felt like yet another barrier being put up for young people from similar backgrounds to myself. What guarantee is there that the suspension will end before the new academic year? If social distancing measures are relaxed, how will those who are fortunate enough to get jobs be expected to travel before they are paid? What about those who have to travel to connect with family/friends or those who are responsible for grocery shopping? Working in social housing taught me that these are realities for many young people. And to those who want to suggest it, bikes are not as easily accessible in areas like mine.

· 18th May — The government announced its immigration bill, which presents a points-based system including a salary threshold of £25,600. This excludes thousands of key workers who have literally saved lives and kept this country going throughout the pandemic. It would also have excluded my parents and Priti Patel’s own parents were it introduced before they received British citizenship.

· 25th May 2020 — Amy Cooper, a newer version of Carolyn Bryant, used her white privilege to falsely accuse Christian Cooper, a Black man, in a clear attempt to have him killed. A few days later, a lot of information was shared about the respectability of Christian Cooper. Despite my awe of this King, it bothered me somewhat that we inherently felt the need to show that he was a good Black person and therefore did not deserve to lose his life. No-one deserves to lose their life on the grounds that they are African-American.

· 25th May 2020 — Derek Chauvin knelt on George Floyd’s neck for almost 9 minutes while 3 other officers participated in restraining and killing George Floyd. I can’t even put into words my feelings on this one.

· 26th May 2020 — Liberty Investigates and the Guardian newspaper found that Black, Asian and Minority Ethnic people received 54% more fines under the coronavirus rules, despite clear evidence of who has been more defiant of these rules e.g. Dominic Cummings.

· 27th May 2020 — We can’t catch a break. Even as I was writing this, some white people were up in arms because John Boyega expressed his hate for racists in the wake of George Floyd’s murder. They also felt the need to remind us that “all lives matter”. To that, I leave this video.

On the same day a video was also shared where a mob of Midland, Texas police ambushed a 21 year-old with their guns and assaulted his 90 year-old grandmother. His alleged offence was rolling through a stop sign.

If you’ve made it this far you’re definitely tired of reading — I am also tired of witnessing and internalising these atrocities. These are just a snapshot from lockdown, but this is our reality every day.

Never have I felt more tired as a Black person. These events don’t even detail the ongoing issues of the Black Attainment Gap, the Grenfell Inquiry or the Windrush scandal.

I haven’t mentioned the relentless racism that is targeted at Meghan Markle to this day because a royal (who by definition could also be considered mixed heritage) dared to fall in love with her.

I haven’t mentioned the reluctance to reduce university fees, despite the adverse effects of changes to course delivery; particularly for those who are already affected by the Black Attainment Gap. They are now being considered “doubly disadvantaged” in research.

I haven’t mentioned the growing burden of remittances because informal workers back home lost their means of income during lockdown.

I haven’t mentioned the negative effects that the pandemic has had on women and minority-led businesses. Nor have I mentioned their marginalisation from government business support schemes.

I haven’t spoken of my friends who have been made redundant with children and homes to take care of, despite employers having the option of the job retention scheme. Nor have I mentioned the young people who are suffering because they work in the industries which are shut down, their graduate jobs have been cancelled and the workforce in general is projected to have less roles for them. While these issues affect everyone, our pre-existing disadvantages have only been exacerbated.

I previously tried to water down my passion to support my community, because the word “Black” seems to make some gatekeepers wince. I recall writing a report on the Black Attainment Gap and my manager asking me if she was allowed to say the word “Black”. This was a genuine question as she had come to the UK from Eastern Europe and noticed the reluctance of her peers to use words other than BAME (as if the experiences of Black, Asian and ‘other’ races are monolithic).

Another reason for watering down was because I was made to feel like I was excluding other “working class groups”. In the words of Ms Tina Lawson, “pro-black does not mean anti-white”. We respect Jewish communities and celebrate ChinaTown, so if I want to organise my community in the face of all this adversity, why would you be offended?

This is the Black experience and we are tired.

I founded Elimu so that young Black people would no longer have to live life by the “work twice as hard to get half as far” standard. Through Elimu, our younger generations can learn how to work smarter, not harder. They get to learn from people who look like them, so that they can better prepare for adulthood and financial freedom. With the economic impact that the incoming recession is set to have on our young people, it is pivotal that we organise our community now.

I developed MoveRight after learning how alone people are in this country. The African Proverbs “it takes a village to raise a child” and “Ubuntu” are evident in every aspect of my life. But I learned in my previous role as a Financial Inclusion Officer that there are care leavers, prison leavers, parents and carers who may not experience the privilege of familial support and guidance. The app is my way of directing them to the resources, organisations and authorities whose purpose is to support them. I am empowering people to help themselves, but more importantly to seek support when they need it, instead of going through challenges alone.

But I am tired.

Tired of watering down. Tired of endless meetings with gatekeepers just to support our youth. Tired of proving to funders that we know how to address the needs which we have experienced first-hand. Tired of “BAME”. Tired of crying for people who look like me across the world and at home.

We need to organise. We need economic empowerment. We need each other and we need allies.

The Black experience must change.